The Business of America

At long last the Supreme Court has made a decision that real Americans can get solidly behind and ended second-class citizenship for long-oppressed corporations. Restricted for decades, their freedom of speech curtailed and stifled, corporations could only spend limited amounts on election campaigns; a disgraceful defiling of their First Amendment rights. Not since their greatest hour – preventing Al Gore from becoming president – has the court triumphed in the cause of free-market democracy. Finally corporations, their tiny voices choked by the campaign finance reform fanatics, can be heard throughout the land. Their long-overdue full personhood has been established, and they are now free to speak their minds, and support with their heard-earned fortunes the righteous and deserving. Bite on that liberal Democratic (redundant?) surrender-monkeys.

Only trouble is they didn’t go far enough. Everyone knows corporations are persons and deserving of individual rights – so why can’t they vote, or run for office, or get married if they want? Why are corporations left out in the cold, their little noses pressed up against the glass window and excluded from the warm inner sanctum of full citizenship? This was a glaring oversight in jurisprudence, but it’s only a matter of time. Rejoice fellow real Americans and imagine the incredible mess we’d be in now if Gore had become president. One shudders to think. We’d all be forced to marry trees and put clothing on animals.

A wise person once said, “The business of America is business,” and boy is that ever right! America IS a business, and who better to run America Inc. than a corporate CEO? Do you want some non-profit, social worker do-gooder running the show? Somehow those types, the entitlement-crazed, civil liberties-demanding, labor-worshipping, human rights babblers have hi-jacked government and turned it into a peacenik day care center. But those days are over thanks to our Supremes.

And don’t fall for those Democratic alarmist scare tactics about foreign governments stoking corporations to buy elections and their candidates of choice. What possible motive could China, Saudi Arabia or N. Korea have in manipulating American politics? And don’t be swayed by accusations of “activist judges” and right wing hypocrisy; everyone knows” activist judge” only apples to liberals. And don’t forget, we are America Inc., and we are always looking out for and listening to you. Rest easy, corporate America has your back; and all your other parts as well.

Will Shonbrun is a Sonoma writer and trouble-maker. His work can be seen at: http://shonbrunreport.blogspot.com. His seminal treatises, “Will Shonbrun is Not a Lunatic” and “You Wouldn’t Fart in the Presence of God” are out of print, but if you email him at: willshonbrun@vom.com he’ll send you something.